[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
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…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Rt to bother an English speaker
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this