Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera

If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”

Me: I got a new car!

Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?

Me: It’s red.

Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?

Friend: 6th grade

Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.

Friend: Computers?

[first day in Hell]

Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here

Devil: there is no escape

Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]

all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭

person walking past me: (politely) good morning

me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel

Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?

Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal

“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”

this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person

Me: Where’s the remote?

Toddler: I didn’t eat it!

T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!

T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…

My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.

Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time

You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.

They just take your money and run.

Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.

I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

My doctor says I only have one diabete.

I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit

I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.

“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”

-Trees

Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”

Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.

[from the bottom of a lake]

I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.

KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed