[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
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ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
incredible text to wake up to
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal