[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
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Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule