Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.

My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.

doctor: do you drink alcohol?

me: yeah a couple times a week

doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually

“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.

someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why

(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)

[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

ㅤ

Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?

I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.

Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.

Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]

Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.

A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”

The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!

Job interview:

– Good morning

– Good morning

– Have you got a twitter account?

– Yes

– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you

Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.

Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]

My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁

[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good

“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”