Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein

My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.

Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.

My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth

She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face

He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.

3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in

How was your morning?

3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.

Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob

narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman

Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?

Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste

Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

2022: I can fix it

Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?

The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests

That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s

Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs

Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…

parents nowadays: video games are too violent

parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!

I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services

A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.

It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim

There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.

Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?

Leave this on his windshield.

Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.

Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?

could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer

My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.