Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.

If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room

Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.

Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.

Me:

Rey: Look. I still have two hands.

I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.

I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles

You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.

Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…

Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.

She: And yet you don’t shut up.

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial

When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power

Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.

When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.

I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids

Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store

{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?

“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now

A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.

My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.

No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.

I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”

Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”