Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!

5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?

I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.

Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission

my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion

i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.

Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this

BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.

Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.

FRODO: what is it?

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam

[literally one step later]

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: wait no

I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious

Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day

76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system

[First day working in a warehouse]

ME: What’s that machine for?

“Oh, that’s the forklift”

ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??

Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar

I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.

Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell

inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing

If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks

At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.

Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.

[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes

FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”

[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.

Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever

This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.

When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!

My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up