Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all

CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap

Me: HALLOWEEN!!!

Ween: Hallo!

One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.

My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra

*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees

“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”

This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.

nurse: how do you rate your pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

witch 1: i can’t find my broom

witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick

Twitter is like:

funny joke

funny joke

funny joke

HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE

funny joke

funny joke

angry guy who didn’t get the joke

Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign

Me: I got lost in the music

C: what song?

M: I’d rather not say

C: what song?!?

M: I saw the sign

In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me

Him: why do you keep poking me ?

Her: I’m looking for the mute button

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did

My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”

Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”

Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…

and he says, “prolly.”

Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”

In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will

Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,

The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.

Fellow senior citizens:

If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.

You don’t need to push your lifealert button.

I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.

crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free

[Picking up a prescription]

Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical

I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

*showing friend my new place*

Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.