Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
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I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that