Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).

I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.

I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”

Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.

Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.

Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is

*police sirens*

*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*

QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN

*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*

My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.

Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?

im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying

What the dentist sees

[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t

My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”

I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”

wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction

me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece

Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.

My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.

Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.

*walks out of pharmacy*

I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.

Interviewer: why do u want to work here

me: revenge

“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato

Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.

[visiting America]

Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?

America: sure is

Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch

America: lmao nope

I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA

He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…

Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”

I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.