Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
You Might Also Like
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
those birds must be on payroll
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
being a writer on Twitter:
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.