Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
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I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
The answer is funnier than the question
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
is this store having a stroke wtf
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
i did the math
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”