Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
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me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice