Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test
You Might Also Like
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Cardio Made Easy
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”