Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test
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Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
2022 be like
Already got one
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
life lately
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
𝗦𝗵𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗽𝗼𝗲𝗺𝘀 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝗻 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱𝘀
so imagine
a thousand
bad
stanzas
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work