Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that

A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.

I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane

I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.

Me when someone tries to get to know me

Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.

My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there

Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.

An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up

First date idea.

Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.

My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out

Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste

I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.

Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM

You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont

when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint

Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.

wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands

I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.

Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain

Friend: You look different…younger…really great

Me: I had a little something done

Friend: *whispers* Face lift?

Me: Colonoscopy

Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra

Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years

Me: I was at the karaoke bar

Cop: Oh I see lol

Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?

“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed