Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test
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My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.