Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test
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I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
What to do when threatened by a bear:
1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.