[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
You Might Also Like
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.