[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
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Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
#MeanwhileInCanada
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.