[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
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Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
linkedin the good parts
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling