[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
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Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
O Wise One….
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping