Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
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“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.