Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
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I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
BRAKING NEWS!!
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked.
It was earie.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.