Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
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HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?