Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out

My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.

My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.

*eats only grass-fed donuts

I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start

4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff

Me: But you don’t have any more money

4: That’s okay, we can use your money

If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️

My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.

The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.

me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?

Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?

What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?

“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”

Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.

Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.

The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground

No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.

Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.

Contestant: What is love?

*dance party erupts*

“How do you sleep at night!”

Usually on my side facing the door.

I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.

5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?

*racks the chamber*

Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America

Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.

No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck