Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit

me: bye bye miss american pie

miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?

me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady

(before sex)

*sings national anthem

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.

“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.

If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.

[At the Dr]

Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.

As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.

Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?

I can’t stop thinking about this shirt

Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside

Mongoose is French for “my goose.”

They say treat others how you would like to be treated.

Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.

1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet

2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car

discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies

A short story about romance.

Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!

oops! 5 second rule!

oops! 5 second rule!

Pick up, table two

I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money

In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.

*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit

Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!

[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”

Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.

Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody

“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco

All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.