Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
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Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.