Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
You Might Also Like
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls