Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.
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Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Breaking news:
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
That’s a good costume, I hope.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.