Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”

Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”

Darth Vader: >:(

Replace all HR departments with fight clubs

You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.

Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad

Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?

girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said

I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.

what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian

I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas

“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.

If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.

Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*

Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.

*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.

genie: you have 3 wishes

cat: i want to go out

genie: ok

cat: and back in again

genie: done

cat: and back out again

genie: ffs

[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later

[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies

Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.

friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear

[later]

tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!

me: holy shit it’s him

When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”

I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.

I hope they like monopoly.

6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.

Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.

optimus prime: did she just wink at me?

me: i think she’s turning left

One time I got so high I couldn’t figure out the pizza ordering app so I ordered a chicken bacon ranch pizza with no chicken no bacon no ranch add tomato sauce add pepperoni add sausage and it was so bad the manager of the place called my personal number

I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.

Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.