Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
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Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Dishonest mechanic?
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.