Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
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Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
