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Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Why did the dragon cross the road, ….to go buy a lair freshener🌲
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
🤣dope
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.