Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again

The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away

I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.

Him: I’m really into clean eating.

Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.

Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?

Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning

Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur

Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside

Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.

First date

Him: What do you do?

Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]

“I’m a model.”

Strangers have the best candy.

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.

of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*

Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”

17, “Have u seen my adderal?”

my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌

[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”

Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?

Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

3: Mommy, I hid your phone.

Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:

-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat

Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.

Somewhere in an alternate universe

Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure

The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.

I’d describe him as a little standoffish.

It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight

Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.