Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on a plane]

Captain: I have bad news

Passengers: *gasp*

Captain: the middle class is dying

Passengers: oh, that’s true

Captain: first class might survive

Passengers: what

Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*

*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*

Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.

Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.

Now who’s stupid? They are!

I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.

Tell me you get it…🤣

So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?

Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!

Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?

– cannibal dinner party

Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.

My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

“you changed” bro i was 15

Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.

I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…

What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground

What are WE?
WRITERS!!!

What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!

When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!

Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.

the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants

At urgent care with my 8yo

Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.

😆

(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)

Is this a threat?

ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt

ME: thanks i worked really hard on it

inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.

assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.

inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.

My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank

i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)

A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.

My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!