Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.

Him: “Are you single?”

Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”

Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me

“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.

I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.

My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”

Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving

Women are from Venus, men are wrong.

me: are you ready for halloween?

friend: yes!

me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic

friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*

My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.

*queen’s gambit*

dad: knight takes queen

daughter: *3D prints new queen*

NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.

[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop

Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?

Wife: I’m definitely bothered

[two astronauts in space station]

“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows

Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.

“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”

*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did

I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.

*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*

A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

*Backstreet Boys voice*

Am I acceptable?

I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.

A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…

I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.

Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?

Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.

Her: I meant good times with us.

Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.

friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”

me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”

i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business