Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
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Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
OMFG!
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,
I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”
Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Whoa 😂
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
she has a point
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking