“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
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My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*