Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Werewolf about to eat me*

Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.

don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good

I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?

I fucking love Gary Larson so much

Need tips on making something look like an accident.

Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!

Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.

The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression

i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat

I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.

We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.

[Christmas dinner]

Me [serving guests]: More ramen?

In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

Good news: It works the other way around.

I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.

Phew.

My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.

Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why

hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?

me: hell yeah

girl: how about your address?

me: oh for sure, come by

girl: and your mother’s maiden name?

me: wait what

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

me: *imagining it* no but I want to

If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.

Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”

Here’s what we have say about that:

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”

burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that

wife: [sits up] oh my god

husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed

burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch

The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom

That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.

one week till the election

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much