“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
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“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.