“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
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Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
what do you want
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what