“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
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I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.