“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
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Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Well, this certainly took a turn
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
spot the difference
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
I don’t make the rules sorry
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?