@NurseSeymour

“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.

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@XGroverX

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

@ThisLocalHater

[During sex]

Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.

@mishakey

4 out of 5 experts agree that when you put any 5 experts together, 4 out of 5 of them will agree.

@pattymo

In ~72 hours this will be completely incomprehensible

@BlindChow

Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!

@Darlainky

Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.

@MNateShyamalan

jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had

editor: nice

jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.

editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?

jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc