“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
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12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.