Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
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If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Anyone really
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.