Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
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Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
No, I haven’t seen any dogs
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave