Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
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Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday