Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
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*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.