Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
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if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
This one’s “Alex”.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
started wrapping my pills in cheese
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.