Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end

Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.

Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?

When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”

They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose

My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?

Also my kid: Which way does the L go?

My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes

Happiness is…

finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.

My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”

Co-worker: *tells story*

Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.

CW: What? It’s not a bad story.

Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.

I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.

My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.

I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.

“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”

So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

Them: Mr. Scholl-

Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR

Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.

the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack

[asteroid hurling towards earth]

ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule

No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.

When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.

Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?

Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous

Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day

WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys

ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?

I don’t hate you, but I hope you meet someone just as nice as you that returns your favors.

girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?

her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?

when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test

So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.