Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II

ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya

7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness

Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.

Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…

*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest wea-

Me: Interrupting people.

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.

*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid

Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?

*stranded on a deserted island*

Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB

Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽‍♀️

I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.

1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.

Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃

I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.

To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???

I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty

can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again

Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!

Also me: *lives alone*

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

out-housing market appears to be strong

HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.

ATM: just any 4 numbers.

Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.

When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.

When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.

No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.

*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*

Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.

Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?

Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.

Dracula:

Her: oh

*deletes my ex’s phone number*

k, weigh me now.