Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.

I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit

Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?

We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”

I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!

Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*

My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.

Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.

Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?

THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK

Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.

[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*

guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.

I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*

Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.

*at lawyer’s office*

Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon

*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!

WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.

ME: Ok, I will.

[later that day]

ME: I quit

BOSS: WHAT??

ME: I said, nice squid

(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?

no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.

Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?

[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]

You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?

How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em

Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.

I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude

The 70s had it right.

Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.

Dear microwave companies,

Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?

Sincerely,
Everyone

A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”

The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing

Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.

Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.