Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
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I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE![]()
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
So Hamburger help me, God
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.