Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
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professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Close call…
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
no refunds
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*