Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
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I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
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Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?
Genie: Stop saying it like that.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭