Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
You Might Also Like
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
yeah not falling for this one
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Friday
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Boom, boom, ching!
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers