Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.

“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”

“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”

If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.

[Logging in]

• Password must be 6 digits

Me : *Types “6 digits”*

Computer : You are an imbecile.

Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.

Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?

STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF

I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.

I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me

Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there

If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened

1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am

2: you died

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?

Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?

Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.

Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles

My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”

I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101

Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.

They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.

Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.

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anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel

u guys got any snacks onboard here

i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon

Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since

Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.

New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.

saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert

So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.

Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.

Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.

*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”

*the oranges finally shut up

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.