Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.

I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.

My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.

I was putting on my shoes.

Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.

Her: “So, are you religious?”

Him: “I’m part Catholic.”

Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”

Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”

#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes

I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.

I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*

Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,

Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit

My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.

Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.

Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit

I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.

If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.

“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”

My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”

I bet a dragon could defeat a unicorn. Unicorns are just pointy horses.

I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.

Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood

There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.

Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you

damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]

Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.

I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.

“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

“Ok, same difference.”

*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.

Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”

If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.

The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.

Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.