[skating together on a frozen pond]

Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah

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every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.


I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”


Tween and me: *arguing*

Husband: God, you two are just like each other.

Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?

Husband: *jumps out window*


Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.


ICE Cold Fact: If somebody owes you money… Put on your mask and pop up at their crib right now… They’re Home.


GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.

“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”

GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.


Cop: “Can you describe the person who robbed you?”

Me: “He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and charged me $6 for coffee”


Some lady just wrong-number texted me so I tried being funny but I think I scared her off from going to brunch


Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.


So…….this Halloween do we wear our masks under our masks or do we wear our masks over our masks?