[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
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Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays