@AnkCoupleTO

[skating together on a frozen pond]

Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah

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@DothTheDoth

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.

@AndyJokedAgain

7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!

@UncleDuke1969

? 12 drummers drumming
? 11 pipers piping
? 10 lords a leaping
? 9 ladies dancing
? 8 maids a milking
? 7 swans a swimming
? 6 geese a laying
?

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: I want more milk.

Me: What’s the magic word?

3: *enraged falcon screech*

Close enough.

@Smooheed

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler

@RappaRick

?”Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour

@broodingYAhero

Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.

@behindyourback

Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.