Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eating wings is the opposite of flying

Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training

Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.

Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.

Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’

Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’

Therapist: ‘Really?’

Me: ‘No.’

For when Tinder doesn’t work

Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone

workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them

Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.

I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce

[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u

Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.

Me: You have other pants and you wore those?

Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.

if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools

assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?

Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.

Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.

Interview Tip #3

speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself

[later]

Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?

Me: *confidently* nothing

congratulations to them

If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”

The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.

Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?

me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up

wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs

You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.

[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”

An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.

Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.

god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.