Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate

Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.

We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.

[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”

therapy: $500

tattoo: $500 but cooler

Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.

Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.

Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good

me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?

Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”

*later at the coral reef*

Me: “This is amazing!”

Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”

Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.

Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.

I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language

🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!

“Sir, place ur order or hang up”

Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.

Him: what’s your favorite season?

Me: Reese’s Egg Season

KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.

imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.

Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.

News: There are aliens in Miami

Internet: meh

News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?

Internet: *yawns*

News: Jews in a tunnel?

Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention

Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.

Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.

[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh

I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity

ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—

It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.

“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”