Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
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[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
same bro
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.