Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness

You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.

My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.

Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]

I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents

Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.

“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist

[trying to impress date]

Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.

Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*

No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.

the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food

*Runs a bath

Me: ok, jump in

3: it’s too hot

*Adds cold water

Me: Ok, get in

3: it’s too cold

Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.

We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.

[first day as an ambulance driver]

ME: *crashes into a light pole*

PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet

Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.

Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.

Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one. The dead body one

BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…

Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.

in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies

[at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!

ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!

FAMINE: What did you expect?

ME: lol

WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!

ME: you want a sugar cube?

FAMINE:… Yes

ME: Is there a ghost in here?

{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}

Ouija Board: {slides to no}

ME: phew

I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.

“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.

Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.

That lamp looks PISSED.

Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.

I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”

I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”