Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
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Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
set yourself free xox
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff