Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
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*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order
it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
you’re not fooling anyone
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
Merica.
