Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
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People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon