Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…

The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂

At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?

Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.

Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD

Me: omg okay

[45 minutes into our walk]

Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM

Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.

The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault

You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”

Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want

Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though

Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN

Me and kid:

Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.

me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something

my printer: *territorial printer noises*

An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.

I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late

As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.

I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move

“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”

My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”

That was last night and I still haven’t recovered

“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR

“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile

The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.

If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.

excel: is that a date?

me: 57.39 is very much not a date

excel: strong date vibes to me

me: h-how

excel: fixed it

me: 57/39/2020?

excel: you’re welcome

Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.

My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria

How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.

mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice

Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.