Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
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Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵
Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.
3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.
He calls it “snackupuncture.”
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Mad Max: Furry Road
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
thoughts?
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.