Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
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“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.