Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.

Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes

Them: Tell us something about yourself.

Me:

I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”

My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.

Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.

A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’

I was that kid’s first beard

god: *creates human* whatcha think?

angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?

god: *adds shins* now it will

Spins a web.

Any size.

Catches thieves.

Just like flies.

He waits.

The thieves come.

The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.

He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.

Look out.

Here comes the Spider-Man.

when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”

I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.

Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?

[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.

Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?

Her: well it does now

#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’

On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.

Although. I kinda want to now.

I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.

[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.

I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.

My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.

My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”

NO ONE TELL HER

waiter: would you like a table?

me: yes, the multiplication please

*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*

“Ooh, that IS risky.”

ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo

THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down

If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend

Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.

My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people

I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.