Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues

Optometrist: better or worse

Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse

Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50

We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.

TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.

[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]

HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.

Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.

There is no “five second rule”…

Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.

3yo: *follows me into bathroom*

Me: “Privacy, please”

3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*

“Now we have privacy, Mommy”

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid

[creating the armadillo]

GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very

Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?

Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death

Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body

Dwayne Johnson: i got this

Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments

Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?

Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”

Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.

This is so me 😂😂

Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes

jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.

– looking for shells on the north pole beach

Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.

So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.

Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.

You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?

Cannibals.
And also a fork.

Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.

“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”

If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.