Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
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overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Who chose this font
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
me: ah the house is so clean now
sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
