Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
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ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!