Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.

Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.

my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here

me: i hate camping too

If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”

[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”

Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.

Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.

it be like that

You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both

Cashier: And how are you today?

Me: Incandescent with rage. You?

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking

I wish I could veto my bills.

Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER

Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.

I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them

i have good and bad news

Wife: Ok, the bad news?

i didn’t clean out the garage

Wife:*sigh* the good news?

[holds up cat dressed as Thor]

*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*

*glues old gears and cogs to chair*

*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*

I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat

15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.

Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.

Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.

If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake

This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life

Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.

I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.

“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen

“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad

got my wisdom teeth removed.

surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else