Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

They’re called werewolves.

I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.

My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

[parking lot in the 80’s]

*man appears to be having a heart attack*

MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR

ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

[date]

Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…

*hands her paper*

Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.

“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it

“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”

[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666

My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants

I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs

My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy

Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs

60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.

Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.

*flies away with my broom*

Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?

M: ask him to use his other hand

Therapist: Let me rephrase…

Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?

Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

I dumbed there ONE time and now this.

If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.

I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.

Jokes on them. I took 10.