SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
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Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml